whoops, sorry jaime! too soon?
hey, wait a second - exactly what kind of threat do you pose anymore?
seems like someone's about to have an identity crisis!
how spoiler-iffic is the title of today's episode? (we've sworn an oath not to tell!)
will dany (and her unsullied) be in this episode?
just what does jon snow know, anyway? (spoiler alert: nothing!)
and hey, did everyone see ser davos on doctor who last weekend? what's up with that guy?
grab your drinks (we'll post a run-down of ours shortly), and hit the jump with us for further shenanigans! who knows - we may even answer some of the questions posed above.
8:00 - only one hour remains! we can barely contain ourselves - but we'll manage, just for you, dear readers.
...of course, the booze helps!
8:15 - tonight we're having quite a few fancy drinks! we're having Spearhead Hawaiian Style Pale Ale (from Toronto), Estrella Cerveza Damm (from Barcelona - great place), and Wellington Imperial Russian Stout (from Guelph).
...speaking of Russians,
(i always question these aspects too, Ser.)
8:30 - seriously though, folks. what's in store for Jaime and Brienne tonight?
Is Jaime going to adjust to his new disability?
Is Brienne going to keep dealing with his shit?
One thing's for sure,
(regardless of how many hands the poor dude has.)
Seriously though. Who knows how many hands it's going to require to rule the Iron Throne?
8:45 - Can't this clock go any faster?! If only I had the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth.
we hope you all caught the glorious game of thrones references on this week's parks and recreation! but just in case you didn't, see below:
8:55 - anybody else wondering how many people are going to die tonight?
we bet a few - the season is moving on, after all.
we've set the over/under at 6 - any action?
8:57 - remember - when people die, you drink.
8:58 - hey! Less than Kind is one before hand. This is delightful, home-grown, Canadian comedy that we urge you all to enjoy. Seriously - it's by Mark Mckinney
check those molars.
9:01 - here we go!
...y'know, with the awesome opening credits.
9:04 - still opening credits.
9:04 - oookay, now we're starting.
hey look! it's jaime's hand, all tied up around his neck like a charm bracelet.
his captors wonder how many of those fingers they could shove up his ass.
they're cool like that. first rape reference of the night! wheeeeeeee!
*drink so, so very much*
Brienne notes he's going to fall off his horse.
They don't care though.
Turns out he's super dehydrated, so they give him some water.
Only, it's the ol' Horse Piss in place of water trick!
oh well, more
of my horse urine for me! (link)
i have to say, i disliked reading this part in the book. it may be "realistic," but it's cruel as fuck.
Jaime draws his sword and tries to attack - with his wrong hand, while all fucked up.
The men have an easy time kicking him about and generally embarassing him.
9:05 - Then Brienne intervenes!
Y'know, for a while.
This still leads to poor Jaime getting stomped about in the mud.
"Do that again, and I'll take your other hand," he's told. By Vargo Hoat? I can't keep up with the changes between book and show - it could be him, but who knows? He certainly doesn't lisp (which, hey GoT writers - great villain characterization
The scene ends with a very beaten Kingslayer staring to the sky with his hand beside his head.
9:06 - Tyrion meets with Varys to discuss this whole Cersei-trying-to-kill-him-thing.
"I didn't inherit Littlefinger's spies along with his title, I'm afraid."
9:08 - Varys instead decides to tell him the story of how he lost his manhood, like he meant to prior to the battle of the Blackwater.
It's fucking creepy.
"I still dream of that night. Not of the sorcerer. Not of his blade. I dream of the voice from the flames."
Poor Varys. But it does allow for him to explicitly state that he is against Stannis and any intervention from R'hllor - not too surprising, after all. The sorcerer he references mutilated him and burned the parts he removed in service of a fiery diety, after all!
Anywho, Varys hates magic because of this shit.
9:09 - they discuss revenge, and the "distasteful tasks" it takes to accomplish it.
"influence grows like a weed," Varys tells Tyrion.
Fucking Varys is connected, don't you doubt it. Hell, Varys for the Iron Throne! Anyone with me?
Actually, don't answer that. Much as I may feel it in this moment, it's probably pretty unlikely.
9:10 - To prove his point on influence, Varys shows Tyrion that he's captured the sorcerer who cut him. Holy SHIT.
"I have no doubt the revenge you seek will be yours," he tells Tyrion.
"If you have the stomach for it."
9:11 - So, we're with the Night's Watch at Craster's. That can't be heavy-handed, right?
Chett wants to overthrow Old Bear - or bolt. You name it.
He's afraid of them walkers, you see.
"If we want to live, we'll have to look after ourselves."
9:12 - Inside Sam's awaking babies and causing problems.
Gilly needs help - she doesn't give a damn about Sam's thimble or fancy words.
9:13 - Bran's having green dreams again. He and Jojen are going after the Three-Eyed Crow.
Cat comes in and starts to shake him, telling him not to climb stuff. Nice.
9:14 - Oh, great. The wankathon of Pod's prowess continues.
9:15 - Ros ends up telling Varys all about Littlefinger's plan for Sansa.
It's also gross. See above gif.
We have a brief scene of Joffrey laughing Targaryen misfortune, and being a little 'macabre' with Margaery, offering to show her where the Targaryens are buried. This kid is a sadist. Even Cersei is a little weirded out.
She and the Queen of Thorns have a little chat.
Olenna is a great character.
We love us some Tyrells. This adaptation has done wonders for their house! "Growing Strong" indeed!
Margaery is such a little protege of Lady Olenna. Cersei seems to almost be won over by her! Good thing she never loved Robert Baratheon, or else she might have been a Tyrell cheerleader by week's end!
9:19 - Later, Mags and Joff discuss how hard being King is, in a stupid, circlejerk fashion.
"Sometimes severity is the price we pay for greatness." (- margaery)
"I couldn't agree more." (a totally boneriffic joffrey. gross!!!!!)
The people scream outside.
Cersei, in a beautiful dress opposes this.
The crowd turns more positive at the sight of Margaery, and at her side, Joffrey is finally cheered.
This is almost his actual coronation? He gazes shyly at Margaery as though he's only just been born.
We love those Tyrells.
9:25 - Hey look, it's Theon, and the guy that 'saved' him!
This is totally going to work out for him. (...hope that's not a spoiler, but if it is, well...
deal with it.
Listen to this little flatterer.
It's almost as though this is a theme of the episode.
They talk about Balon, and Theon's saviour is thin with information. Dun dun dunnnnn!
9:22 - Theon's complaining about not being a Stark, so he never understood people said this of him as he and his saviour stalk through some tunnels? a sewer or something? not sure.
Anyway, Theon seems to have some serious issues with Winterfell and his life.
"I murdered those boys. The Stark boys."
Oh, wait. He tells the truth about how they're actually just a farmer's boys.
So hey, maybe this is Ramsay, right?
Anyway, this little sad scene continues, with Theon crying.
"My real father lost his head at King's Landing. I made a choice."
...did Theon just say that Eddard Stark was his real father? That is so fucking tragic, and not something either of us remember from the books! Granted, Theon's story has been the one adaptation we've been most concerned about/interested in/horrified by...so perhaps we ought to let this be?
He goes on that he's burnt everything down. He's made some pretty big mistakes, I'd say.
9:24 - HA!
Theon and Ramsay
as-yet-unnamed-other-guy emerge from the tunnel, back into the torture room!
"I brought him back! He killed the others!"
Perfect! And also, HORRIBLE!
9:25 - So Brienne's lording over Jaime. Giving him shit.
"A little misfortune. You lost a hand."
"A little misfortune? That was my sword hand. I was that hand."
"You got one taste of the real world where people have important things taken from them all the time and you want to quit? You sound like a woman."
Poor lady, internalizing all that misogyny.
9:27 - so, Cersei is trying to get an audience with Tywin, but he's too busy signing letters with glitter, I think?
Dear Roose Bolton and Walder Frey:
Wanna be BFFs?
A Lannister Always Pays His Debts. ;) !!
- Lord TyTy
9:30 - so Cersei is concerned about Margaery - Tywin blames her for being a bad parent and gives her the boot.
9:30 - Olenna is talking to her handmaidens about being sick of golden roses (even her chamberpot sports such a rose, and it has no effect on the stench!) and house mottos, comparing hers (the Tyrells') to the Starks and Greyjoys, and finding the Tyrells wanting.
9:31 - Varys joins her, and there's some golden, clever dialogue about the non-existent bumping with the decrepit.
They then discuss the ever-so-boring Sansa Stark.
Then they walk and discuss the Starks in general.
Blah blah blah.
Blah blah blah.
They have shared interest in her.
Varys warns Lady Olenna that Littlefinger's plan is pretty dangerous - he'd own the north if certain things were to happen.
Their outfits match. This is likely on purpose.
9:34 - oh good! Margaery and Sansa are talking now.
Ol' Mags was bullied as a kid or something?
Some lady got porridge plague, after Mags wished it upon her.
Apparently it's agony.
(spoiler: it's not real. Sansa's so gullible.)
so anyway, they chit chat some more.
Marg wants them to be friends?
"That would make me happy," Sansa says. She's so sincere I actually tear up. Poor Sansa! Have you learned nothing, or have you in fact learned so much that grasping at any chance of friendship is the only possible choice of action for you?
Margaery mentions that Sansa should see Highgarden.
Sansa says the Queen wouldn't let her.
Margaery calls Cersei the Queen Regent, notes that when she marries Joffrey, she would be the true Queen! And at this point, Sansa could marry Loras, making them sisters.
Sansa, the biggest Loras fangirl ever, seems pretty smitten. Guess she doesn't realize this would make her a beard?
So much for Garlan and Willas Tyrell...
rather - who?
9:37 - The Night's Watch are burning some guys, and talking about Craster - y'know, the usual.
The Night's Watchmen seem to want to mutiny against old Bear and fight this Craster fuck.
Craster laughs in Mormont's face about his injured men and their lack of food.
Chett busts in and is pissed.
Craster grabs an axe, and shit escalates.
Apparently somebody called him a bastard, and he doesn't like that.
Whoever it was repeats himself.
"You are a bastard. A daughter-fucking, wildling bastard."
Old Bear goes to intervene, and Chett stabs him from behind.
There's lots and lots of violent, repetitive stabbing and blood spitting.
I'm sure lots of people are dead, likely Old Bear and Craster. Man, all these old white men - what are two drunk livebloggers to do?
Gilly and Sam get away, in all the kerfuffle, but Chett yells after that he's going to kill them.
9:43 - The Brotherhood without Banners is shuffling about through some caves and stuff, drunk on Blackstrap Rum (which they attempt unsuccessfully to foist on Arya).
blackstrap molasses, you're my orange blossom honey bear
bring me versace blue jeans, black designer underwear!
-they couldn't find molasses.
The Hound makes fun of all the men, and hey, look! It's Beric Dondarrion, amongst all the Stark and Baratheon deserters.
"Ned Stark, Robert Baratheon is dead. My brother is alive," The Hound spits on the ground.
"You're fighting for ghosts."
Beric tells him that's what they are.
Then they start talking about R'hllor.
9:46 - Then they discuss how being born a Clegane makes you a criminal.
The Hound breaks down and admits that he didn't kill the Targaryen kids.
Arya interrupts and notes that he still killed her friend Mycah, the butcher's boy.
They end up deciding to sentence him to trial by combat.
9:47 - Oh, hey - Dany is in this episode. Nice!
She's wearing pants under that sweet blue dress-thing?
Anyway, the asshole racist, sexist asshole talks a bunch of shit through the translator (Missandei), about taking cities and selling people. They'll buy the healthy ones to make more Unsullied.
Man, poor Dany's life.
9:48 - Oh, a dragon?
Well, he sure is huge.
She takes him out of his cage, and grabs his leash.
She hands it to Kraznys. He's amazed.
9:49 - "Is it done then," she asks.
Kraznys calls her a bitch and seems really happy.
Dany walks away, all sullen.
Drogon seems sad. And very vocal! Rather like a seagull?
What might happen?
She's speaking to the Unsullied in their native tongue (High Valyrian).
Kraznys is shitting himself.
"Forward march," she tells them.
"Tell the bitch her beast won't come."
She starts speaking Valyrian to Kraznys, tells him a dragon is not a slave.
"Valyrian is my mother tongue," she tells him.
"Slay the masters, slay the soldiers, every slaver, every man holding a whip, but no woman or child." she tells the Unsullied
Emilia Clarke acts way better in languages that aren't english.
The Unsullied start killing dudes left right and centre.
She turns and looks to Drogon
Obviously Drogon goes nuts and burns the shit out of everything.
9:52 - We come back in a field of ashes, Dany assessing her victory.
She gets on a nice big, white horse (silver? can't really keep track in show vs. book here) in front of her army of thousands and goes all Braveheart, rallying the troops with a crazy speech.
She asks them to fight for her as free men, and tells them that anyone who wishes to leave can do so without being killed.
The men all pound their spears into the ground, which apparently means they're staying?
So they all ride off epic army style.
Dany throws the slaver's whip to the ground, and it's trampled by like, thousands of Unsullied?
Well, advantage: Daenerys, I suppose.
Interesting contrast to the end of last week, in terms of music. Gone is some weird drunk singalong version of The Bear and the Maiden Fair, and instead is some generic "savage" "tribal" music, that is admittedly cool, but a little too on point.
Good episode though, we're thoroughly impressed. Now bring on the next week's!